Absolutely cacking

This blog is so chronically unused that it almost just sealed itself up, like a celibate vagina. ok careme is so going to shoot me for that one! teehee. 

 

Our only fan (and by fan I mean passer-by who has once laid eyes on our blog) has probably sauntered off into the greater blogosphere by now (and i mean greater as in greater manchester, not as in superior level- you dont get much better than crazy kettles and gordon brown loving). Anyway, viewer, we're back, bright eyed and bushy-tailed. take note. and now I'm armed with 'noone cares what you had for lunch' a guide to blogging that careme gave me for my birthday. she should read it herself- we have an entire facebook thread dedicated precisely to careme's lunch.

 

Im going to kick of with some of my favourite quotes from the last 24hours:

 

Peter (the love of my life): These cracking tunes are going to be more house than Hugh Laurie!

 

Paper Towns (a book by John Green that is made of awesome):

           "Daddy's gonna put you on a sailboat across the River Styx."

           "Did yo ujust use Greek Mythology to trash talk?"

 

Careme: that's cracking:

Celeste: It cracks the cack out of me!

 

the last one's my favourite. obviously.

 

Bye bye cyberspace

x Celeste 

Quick Recap

Dear all,

A lot has happened since we last posted in the summer. I think you will probably we aware of most of it already, but we all love recaps. Here goes:

1. On the 4th November 2008, Barack Obama became President-elect. For some reason we were crazy-excited about this in the UK. And I was as taken in by Obamamania as the rest. And now we expect him to love us as much as we love him, but there’s been some suggestion that he might hold a tiny grudge, seeing as we tortured his grandpa.

2. McKey became the 11th America’s Next Top Model. I’m not sure whether this rise to power is as significant as the aforementioned, but it was pretty groundbreaking. Finally we have a non-rainbow spewing and actually attractive winner. I’m so proud of mama-Tyra.

3. Celeste and I started sixth form. We can now make tea during the day.

4. We had lovely summers. And are looking forward to lovely winters. (Like, literally. I’m not trying to make some analogy about our approaching middle age).

5. The world was gripped by economic recession, which strangely gave Gordo a boost up in the polls. I think the phase “Who’s yo daddy” is appropriate (although my condolences to the thousands of newly unemployed)

6. Does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? FO’ DRIZZLE!

Thanks.
Careme xxx

Googlewhack me crazy

Ok, so hopefully y'all know what a googlewhak is.
Its a:
"a Google search query consisting of two words, that returns a single result. "
Ah. Didn't realise it was that myself. That kind of ruins my story. Pisso wikipedia.

What I was going to say is that we have a word in this blog (yes! right here!) that is not found anywhere else on the entire World Wide Web. It's Careme's new-age insult: KNOBTARTARE (an update on dickmilk if you care to scroll down). Why no one, whilst wiling away the hours sitting at their blogs, hasn't come up with this before, I do not know.
But that's my point. This is a true single googlewhack and it's even more rare than the double-word ones. We have at last found our niche in cyberspace. We are unique. We are unique like alan sugar. This is google-whacking-fantastic.

The Birds and the Bees...

I have officially begun my transformation into your typical sexed-up english teacher, perhaps I have found my calling in life...

As the english roses of you out there will know, the youth of great britain are currently undergoing a long and painful torture session (aka GCSEs, AS and A2 exams). well today was my chance to put my literary skills to the test, and when probed about gender issues here is a sample of what I came up with:

1. The title: Work Now, Mate Later
2. Never underestimate the power of a teenage libido
3. unfortunately, the modern perception of a feminist is that of a tampon-wielding maniac
4. There is no greater turn-off than a moldy old teacher raining on your parade
5. so surely we all have the same opportunities, penis or not

For more see the OCR most wanted hitlist. do not try this at home.

x Celeste

Thankyou

Cooh-eee im baaack!

Well having gone cold turkey on my cyber disease i am now cured and can enjoy the internet in moderation. I am not dependent on it, and can stand alone and face the world without it.

I thought I'd post a letter Careme once wrote to me after we spent valentines day doing yoga and having a sleepover with another friend (called Isaline for blog's sake):

"Dear Celeste,

This is just a letter to say a few thank-yous that I needed to say to you… and to try out your new (and very cool) keyboard on the laptop.

First, thank-you for the cake, it is very lemony and makes me feel all lemony, which is always a good thing, unless its in your eyes or something in which case it is quite painful (though I don’t know, I’m not the sort of person who puts lemon juice in their eyes often.) I have just eaten a piece of cake and I must say the fork is very fun!

Secondly, thank-you for coming to Yoga with me. It was a good experience although I am still shaking slightly, can still feel the incense in my lungs, and have never blacked out before. Still, all good! This is your favourite song after all, and it was a great experience. Remind me to pay you back.

Thirdly, thank (Isaline has just called you a bitch, don’t listen to her) thank you for having me and I really like your bedroom. The roses and the oars, you have decorated it very nicely.

Fourthly, thank-you, actually its kind of difficult to think of a fourth one. Oh yes, thank-you for letting me be the Lilac Fairy, and not to be all grumpy and mean as I would have been. That it very nice of you and your bluebird dance is amazing.

Fifthly, thank-you for helping me to spell fifthly… a real help.

Oh and let me tell you something, there is no such thing as a shorts-boy-pants. Don’t listen to her. Does your mother know that you out? You should really tell her otherwise poor Antoinette will be worried. I don’t believe you that you can’t read through the curtain. You’re a liar. Never mind. I like the cake. Lemony.

Careme x

P.S. Please don’t hug me."

I do actually really love her you know.
x Celeste

Good-bye Celeste

Well this is fun. I'm all by myself because Celeste fancies herself as a some psycho-nerd. Which means I can say anything I want about her.

Firstly I'm going to say that she is lovely. Truly lovely girl..... I don't know whether she's one of those people who are truly good inside, like Gordon Ramsey and our baking French teacher, but she's good enough for me. We are similar in lots of ways, although I don't generally go around calling people knobtartare (look at her previous posts) or labiaface. Yeah. That one stung.

She's also an AMAZING dancer. She dances like no-one's looking. Unfortunately, usually I am looking and normally get knocked out by some flailing arm. She has the moves, as do her family, who are all of the dancy-ginger type.

We actually have the same name in real life. I'm getting confused about which one is which... am I Celeste? or Careme? A self-made identity crisis.

But just always remember, value every friend you will ever have in life - whether they're the always-be-there-for-you-even-when-you're-old-and-gay type of friends or the make-you-toast-and-tea friends or just the insult-you-for-fun type of friends. Be nice to them.

So you just got told by the probably the worst friend ever - I don't even know when Celeste's birthday is and I've been too scared to tell her until now. Quite scared about Tuesday in fact.

Love Careme x

The Cyberdevil

I feel suddenly (irrationally some might say) extremely angry. very very furious. and it may be because i just discovered that Raef has a girlfriend, it may be something to do with the heap of corruption that is Tyra Banks, or it may be as i said at the beginning just an irrational moodswing that Careme and I suffer from a lot. I just swore at Careme for god's sake. It's because im online. yesterday i had over an hour of telephone conversation with her, and vowed not to go online again until tuesday, because it has made me wildly depressive and has fuelled my brownie fetish. and ive been bad. very very very bad. and now 10 hours later i am in my dressing gown, here, tapping away. i feel like i've joined some hideous cyberdevil who wont let me leave the computer. well im going. and i wont be back.

(until tuesday)

x Celeste

Ass licking

You pervert! I meant it metaphorically.

Well the pressure is mounting as our viewing figures have finally peaked at one (thankyou Josiebabes, i cant express enough of my love for you) and i figured it was time we posted something wildly hilarious. ok, ok, i hear you scream "we want to hear the atom joke!" well you're wrong, because chemistry lesson puns just aren't funny!

No, i can't do this any more, im lying- this joke is seriously life enriching (and educational)
Well two atoms are bouncing down the road (it is irrelivant which ones, pick your favourite if you must. i reckon it feels more copper and zinc than iron and calcium though.) and one (i would hazard a guess at copper) says "Oh no! i think i left an electron in the bar" (please ignore the fact that copper would actually be happy to lose an electron- he loves to bond metalically) and the other one (zinc persay) says "are you sure?" and copper replies (with thumbs up if you must, because it really does make him seem more endearing and approacheable) "I'm POSITIVE!" ahhhahaa. did yo ulike that i put the key pun word in capitals to help yo uget the joke? pah, and careme says i'm patronising!

Anyway in response to my title (although obvioulsy it was just a twisted ploy to make you read my post) i have been littering cyberspace with links to our blog in an attepmt to lick some asses into viewing our profile. if you were a recipient, feel proud! To quote Bailey from sisterhood of the travelling pants "They brought me to you!"

x Celeste

p.s. i know that as i live in england and say b-ar-th and l-ar-gh i am not actually officially authorised to say 'ass' but should instead say arse (its so much much more colin firth dah-ling). you are permitted to hate me.