Absolutely cacking

This blog is so chronically unused that it almost just sealed itself up, like a celibate vagina. ok careme is so going to shoot me for that one! teehee. 

 

Our only fan (and by fan I mean passer-by who has once laid eyes on our blog) has probably sauntered off into the greater blogosphere by now (and i mean greater as in greater manchester, not as in superior level- you dont get much better than crazy kettles and gordon brown loving). Anyway, viewer, we're back, bright eyed and bushy-tailed. take note. and now I'm armed with 'noone cares what you had for lunch' a guide to blogging that careme gave me for my birthday. she should read it herself- we have an entire facebook thread dedicated precisely to careme's lunch.

 

Im going to kick of with some of my favourite quotes from the last 24hours:

 

Peter (the love of my life): These cracking tunes are going to be more house than Hugh Laurie!

 

Paper Towns (a book by John Green that is made of awesome):

           "Daddy's gonna put you on a sailboat across the River Styx."

           "Did yo ujust use Greek Mythology to trash talk?"

 

Careme: that's cracking:

Celeste: It cracks the cack out of me!

 

the last one's my favourite. obviously.

 

Bye bye cyberspace

x Celeste 

Quick Recap

Dear all,

A lot has happened since we last posted in the summer. I think you will probably we aware of most of it already, but we all love recaps. Here goes:

1. On the 4th November 2008, Barack Obama became President-elect. For some reason we were crazy-excited about this in the UK. And I was as taken in by Obamamania as the rest. And now we expect him to love us as much as we love him, but there’s been some suggestion that he might hold a tiny grudge, seeing as we tortured his grandpa.

2. McKey became the 11th America’s Next Top Model. I’m not sure whether this rise to power is as significant as the aforementioned, but it was pretty groundbreaking. Finally we have a non-rainbow spewing and actually attractive winner. I’m so proud of mama-Tyra.

3. Celeste and I started sixth form. We can now make tea during the day.

4. We had lovely summers. And are looking forward to lovely winters. (Like, literally. I’m not trying to make some analogy about our approaching middle age).

5. The world was gripped by economic recession, which strangely gave Gordo a boost up in the polls. I think the phase “Who’s yo daddy” is appropriate (although my condolences to the thousands of newly unemployed)

6. Does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? FO’ DRIZZLE!

Thanks.
Careme xxx

Googlewhack me crazy

Ok, so hopefully y'all know what a googlewhak is.
Its a:
"a Google search query consisting of two words, that returns a single result. "
Ah. Didn't realise it was that myself. That kind of ruins my story. Pisso wikipedia.

What I was going to say is that we have a word in this blog (yes! right here!) that is not found anywhere else on the entire World Wide Web. It's Careme's new-age insult: KNOBTARTARE (an update on dickmilk if you care to scroll down). Why no one, whilst wiling away the hours sitting at their blogs, hasn't come up with this before, I do not know.
But that's my point. This is a true single googlewhack and it's even more rare than the double-word ones. We have at last found our niche in cyberspace. We are unique. We are unique like alan sugar. This is google-whacking-fantastic.

The Birds and the Bees...

I have officially begun my transformation into your typical sexed-up english teacher, perhaps I have found my calling in life...

As the english roses of you out there will know, the youth of great britain are currently undergoing a long and painful torture session (aka GCSEs, AS and A2 exams). well today was my chance to put my literary skills to the test, and when probed about gender issues here is a sample of what I came up with:

1. The title: Work Now, Mate Later
2. Never underestimate the power of a teenage libido
3. unfortunately, the modern perception of a feminist is that of a tampon-wielding maniac
4. There is no greater turn-off than a moldy old teacher raining on your parade
5. so surely we all have the same opportunities, penis or not

For more see the OCR most wanted hitlist. do not try this at home.

x Celeste

Thankyou

Cooh-eee im baaack!

Well having gone cold turkey on my cyber disease i am now cured and can enjoy the internet in moderation. I am not dependent on it, and can stand alone and face the world without it.

I thought I'd post a letter Careme once wrote to me after we spent valentines day doing yoga and having a sleepover with another friend (called Isaline for blog's sake):

"Dear Celeste,

This is just a letter to say a few thank-yous that I needed to say to you… and to try out your new (and very cool) keyboard on the laptop.

First, thank-you for the cake, it is very lemony and makes me feel all lemony, which is always a good thing, unless its in your eyes or something in which case it is quite painful (though I don’t know, I’m not the sort of person who puts lemon juice in their eyes often.) I have just eaten a piece of cake and I must say the fork is very fun!

Secondly, thank-you for coming to Yoga with me. It was a good experience although I am still shaking slightly, can still feel the incense in my lungs, and have never blacked out before. Still, all good! This is your favourite song after all, and it was a great experience. Remind me to pay you back.

Thirdly, thank (Isaline has just called you a bitch, don’t listen to her) thank you for having me and I really like your bedroom. The roses and the oars, you have decorated it very nicely.

Fourthly, thank-you, actually its kind of difficult to think of a fourth one. Oh yes, thank-you for letting me be the Lilac Fairy, and not to be all grumpy and mean as I would have been. That it very nice of you and your bluebird dance is amazing.

Fifthly, thank-you for helping me to spell fifthly… a real help.

Oh and let me tell you something, there is no such thing as a shorts-boy-pants. Don’t listen to her. Does your mother know that you out? You should really tell her otherwise poor Antoinette will be worried. I don’t believe you that you can’t read through the curtain. You’re a liar. Never mind. I like the cake. Lemony.

Careme x

P.S. Please don’t hug me."

I do actually really love her you know.
x Celeste

Good-bye Celeste

Well this is fun. I'm all by myself because Celeste fancies herself as a some psycho-nerd. Which means I can say anything I want about her.

Firstly I'm going to say that she is lovely. Truly lovely girl..... I don't know whether she's one of those people who are truly good inside, like Gordon Ramsey and our baking French teacher, but she's good enough for me. We are similar in lots of ways, although I don't generally go around calling people knobtartare (look at her previous posts) or labiaface. Yeah. That one stung.

She's also an AMAZING dancer. She dances like no-one's looking. Unfortunately, usually I am looking and normally get knocked out by some flailing arm. She has the moves, as do her family, who are all of the dancy-ginger type.

We actually have the same name in real life. I'm getting confused about which one is which... am I Celeste? or Careme? A self-made identity crisis.

But just always remember, value every friend you will ever have in life - whether they're the always-be-there-for-you-even-when-you're-old-and-gay type of friends or the make-you-toast-and-tea friends or just the insult-you-for-fun type of friends. Be nice to them.

So you just got told by the probably the worst friend ever - I don't even know when Celeste's birthday is and I've been too scared to tell her until now. Quite scared about Tuesday in fact.

Love Careme x

The Cyberdevil

I feel suddenly (irrationally some might say) extremely angry. very very furious. and it may be because i just discovered that Raef has a girlfriend, it may be something to do with the heap of corruption that is Tyra Banks, or it may be as i said at the beginning just an irrational moodswing that Careme and I suffer from a lot. I just swore at Careme for god's sake. It's because im online. yesterday i had over an hour of telephone conversation with her, and vowed not to go online again until tuesday, because it has made me wildly depressive and has fuelled my brownie fetish. and ive been bad. very very very bad. and now 10 hours later i am in my dressing gown, here, tapping away. i feel like i've joined some hideous cyberdevil who wont let me leave the computer. well im going. and i wont be back.

(until tuesday)

x Celeste

Ass licking

You pervert! I meant it metaphorically.

Well the pressure is mounting as our viewing figures have finally peaked at one (thankyou Josiebabes, i cant express enough of my love for you) and i figured it was time we posted something wildly hilarious. ok, ok, i hear you scream "we want to hear the atom joke!" well you're wrong, because chemistry lesson puns just aren't funny!

No, i can't do this any more, im lying- this joke is seriously life enriching (and educational)
Well two atoms are bouncing down the road (it is irrelivant which ones, pick your favourite if you must. i reckon it feels more copper and zinc than iron and calcium though.) and one (i would hazard a guess at copper) says "Oh no! i think i left an electron in the bar" (please ignore the fact that copper would actually be happy to lose an electron- he loves to bond metalically) and the other one (zinc persay) says "are you sure?" and copper replies (with thumbs up if you must, because it really does make him seem more endearing and approacheable) "I'm POSITIVE!" ahhhahaa. did yo ulike that i put the key pun word in capitals to help yo uget the joke? pah, and careme says i'm patronising!

Anyway in response to my title (although obvioulsy it was just a twisted ploy to make you read my post) i have been littering cyberspace with links to our blog in an attepmt to lick some asses into viewing our profile. if you were a recipient, feel proud! To quote Bailey from sisterhood of the travelling pants "They brought me to you!"

x Celeste

p.s. i know that as i live in england and say b-ar-th and l-ar-gh i am not actually officially authorised to say 'ass' but should instead say arse (its so much much more colin firth dah-ling). you are permitted to hate me.

Raef the Teddy Bear - The Apprentice

Bankrupt and obese: study leave so far

Good one Careme!

Now while my little friend here can only be described as vraiment travailleuse i prefer to spend my 'study' leave eating and buying lovely things for careme (as yesterday morning illustrated). However I have also had a little time (can you believe!) to watch a trillion million mega-giga-trons of online video footage, and i thought it was time to draw attention to the new love of my life. yes fellow blogoshpherers i do refer to none other than Raef of the apprentice. Now as i am the last word in computer savvy i will shortly post straight from youtube to our blog (aho yes) the occasion when he dressed up as a bear. you could laugh, you may cry, and you most certainly will fall in love: but i warn you, he is mine.

Raef: If you are out there in cyberspace, this is an official proposal: will you marry me?

x Celeste

It's Exam Time, boys and girls!!

Today was the first day of study leave for our GCSEs. My first one is on Thursday, but Celeste is probably in a Latin exam as we speak... and so let's send her a virtual good luck message. Bzzzz.

I, on the other hand, got to stay at home, search for food in the ever dwindling supplies in our house, and run after my revision notes when they ALL got blown away. I've just given up revising biology because the number of exclamation marks in our text-book (e.g. Diabetes can cause coma and even death!!!) have made me inexplicably angry.

It's sunny here, just so you know. The english have a very strange way of dealing with sunny weather. Firstly we get really excited, because it doesn't happen that often, and then we take off all our clothes. For some reason, guys just suddenly get the urge to display their man-boobs. Maybe I'm just jealous though - most of them are larger than mine.

Good luck in the exams....
Careme x

Celeste and Careme's Top 3 Movie Lines

Here are the little gems of from all the movies we have watched together. These are the ones you HAVE to rewind for:

1. "You're the coolest person I've ever met and you don't even have to try...
I try really hard, actually"
from JUNO, best film ever. I went to see it in the cinema, and Celeste kept on cracking up at jokes way after they'd finished, just from the memory of them. Afterwards I kept on saying the line to Celeste and she wouldn't get that it was a quote, and thought I was actually a nice friend or something...

2. "Jess, I'm Irish, of course I know how that feels"
Jonathan Rhys Meyers gives his best performance to date in Bend it Like Beckham. Not quite sure why its so funny, the reference to anti-Irish racism perhaps?? Watch it and weep.

3. "He was a liar!"
Unnamed boy suddenly shouts this out in the middle of About A Boy. Why isn't he famous for it? Why isn't there a facebook appreciation society to those four words? Some questions will never be answered...

Olivers: Bright Eyes - I'd Do Anything - BBC One

ITS GWION!! if any of you have been watching i'd do anything (or if you havent) then you'll see how this little welsh boy makes me want to have a little welsh baby. we are also MASSIVE harry, chester, and kwayedza fans! i want one, i want all of them! x x x Celeste

New from Careme

"At last!" I hear you all cry. At last I have rememberd just what our password was and so I can now post an All About Me. Celeste's been pestering me to spill my life secrets online, so I guess I better had before she accuses me of giving up on Kettle Me Crazy and our life in virtual-paradise.

I know its fun to make lists, top ten lists, and so here's a top ten of Careme:

1. I only like order in a superficial way. I like it in a 1 to 10 way, but I don't like planning. I get crazy nervous when planning, so Celeste just tells me when to meet her and I do.

2. I have never planned my wedding. Actually, that's a lie. Yesterday I realised I had never planned my wedding and drifted off into a proposal fantasy. So if any of you out there ever meet me and want my hand in marriage then just take me to G&Ds in Oxford. You'll say "Will you marry me?", I'll say "Mmmm.... I'll think about" and then you'll go get me a chocolate icecream with raspberry sorbet and I'll realise that this is all I want in my life and I'll say "yes". I'm quite looking forward to it actually.

3. My second toe is longer than my big toe. Just in case this puts you off the idea of marriage.

4. I act completely different around different people. Usually its the opposite of their character. So when I'm with our friend Marie (another hilarious frenchoid pseudonym), who's really fantastical and idealistic, I'm always cynical. I guess I'll have to work out some day which one of these people I actually am, and which ones I have just created for myself. But, if your honest, will you ever separate "you" and what you want to be...

5. I act completely different around people who are tall as well. Celeste is comfortably shorter than me. Being shorter than someone makes me nervous. I have nightmares about it sometimes.

6. I daydream all the time. They turn out to be these really complex episodes where I know exactly what each person says. And then I sabotage them because they will never really happen. I guess I know now that I will never be proposed to with a rasberry and chocolate icecream.

7. I dance with Celeste. That's what's so good about our friendship. We are sometimes just in her kitchen (which is immense by the way) and we just start to dance. Usually it ends quickly, when she hits me with a flailing arm, or when I go WAY over the top, but its good that we have those moments.

8. Plimsolls, tea, lemsip, toast, tall boyfriends and wit - this is teenage life as I want it to be.

9. We're both ANTM fans. Which means that we, like all the other ANTM fans out there, think Tyra is a bitch, but still want to be her, believe that we are more high fashion than commercial, and know that HenryEvil is a genius.

10. Oh... Things About Me is dwindling away. I cannot think of 10 interesting things to say about me. I'm tired. And you are too. Go have a cup of tea and keep it calm.

x Careme

Meet Celeste x

Hello blogospherers!

Careme is off excercising right now, so it seemed the obvious thing to do to while away my lonely hours talking to no one in particular (slash noone- if you're reading this then congratulations, you're our first viewer!) . what a blast. no OK, im not being grumpy and I won't be grumpy, after all I will soon be doing some great cardiac arrest-inducing ballet with none other than careme herself.

I thought maybe you (the air, cyberspace, the massive vacuum that is our fan base) should know a little more about us, so i'll kick start it by telling you a little about me. I am one of those wildly confused teenagers (soon to be 16) that has no clue what they want to do or how, and although in my head i am the traumatised herione of the show that is my life, actually i appear very normal and to be honest, rather boring in the flesh. I suppose it is in the more despairing, stuff-you-only-get-in-novels moments that i am most interesting; perhaps that is because i make them up... I regularly fall in and out of love with the approximately 4 boys that have entered my sphere of existance (i go to an all girls school) however as all this angsting goes on within my head i have never actually told any of them how i felt.

On a more positive note I enjoy general hilarity- the year 7s make me laugh, as does youtube (henryevilx if youre out there we LOVE you) and careme (although her head will swell when she reads this) I love dancing, I love acting, and I love floundering around in cyber space.

Well, now you have formed a most probably wildly romantic and hilarious image of me you must stick around for careme's- dont leave us! we need you viewer number one! (incidentally, if you are viewer number one, please leave a comment- it'd be great to know you're out there somewhere...)

x Celeste

Join the Dots

There was an article in the Times on Wednesday about the art of the political insult. Apparently Robert Mugabe has called Gordon Brown a "little tiny dot" - not a great insult admittedly but then again, Celeste hadn't come up with knobtartare at that point. That would've stung.



There was also, for all those serious readers of the Times of London, a dot-to-dot your own caricature which I was VERY excited about, especially when I realised just who I was uncovering...




Careme xxx

Saucy times

I just thought I should give all our avid, excessively vocal fans a little update. Well... I think the biggest news is probably the invention of a new age of insult: knobtartare (as in knob sauce, and i guess less poetically dick milk) not only is it (at face value) a perfectly lady-like comment, but it also adds an element of confusion- i guarantee they wont know whats hit them!

OK, so we've had a productive time! also, if any of you happen to be in Oxford on wednesday, in our not-going-to-say-on-the-internet location then we are doing a ballet come Romanian dance, which you are all welcome to attend slash comment about!

x Celeste

Shakespeare and Oxygen

So Celeste and I were having an argument today, as you do, about whether oxygen had been discovered in Shakespeare's time. I argued that it had, because everyone knows the line in Romeo and Juliet when Juliet says "and with my last breath of 21% oxygen and 78% nitrogen, I die to live, my love".

But I was wrong as usual. Oxygen was discovered in the 1770s and Shakespeare was around in the 1600s. Wikipedia sucks.

Our Friend Gordy

I guess there's no point hiding it anymore. We're fans of gordon brown. We probably make up around 90% of his fan base here in England. We suffer for our devotion I have to say, but its time we made it public. What's the point of living a lie?

So here was a facebook convo that we had:

CAREME: everythings going to be ok celeste. englands going to grow up into prosperity again. and everyone in it will live in peace.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3cf7x4v6Us&feature=user

i love him!! our country is in safe hands.

CELESTE: he actually looks quite young there. i love him too- what a babe!

CAREME: i know... i am so completely a broonite. although i'm not sure about any of his policies or anything. i just know he's a babe.

CELESTE: thasss cool! im eating brioche

Careme xx

Videos

Well I have posted some awesome videos, which you should definately watch (and crack up at) but if anyone could give us any tips on how to actually use our blog (like have links to several pages of blog- people seem to manage that!) then PLEASE messages and comments are welcome!

x Cesleste
p.s. What the hell, Careme- Kevron will be fucking hot, and if he has a wafro then so be it. Hell you practiacally have a wafro!

Henry Evil's America's Next Top Model Cycle 9 Finale Recap

Because we love him, because we need him, because we want to BE him

Billy Mack - Christmas Is All Around

About a Boy

Killing me softly... with Spanish accents!

Orlando Blume on Extras

"Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker!"

Poor Kevron

Aaah, poor Kevron. His life will forever be ruined by his awful name and his (inevitable) ginger afro. Not sure if the links on the right are working, but it'll be worth it if they do...

P.S. We're from bonny England, so if we ever spell things like "colour" the right way, then do forgive us.

Bienvenue!

Bienvenue a la monde du Celeste et Careme!

we've been undercover blog queens for years, but its finally time to publish to the world. enjoy browsing our blog: it will soon be bursting with everything that is good about the world. Until then, however you will just have to marvel at our (oh so) awesome name 'Kettle Me Crazy' which took 3 HOURS to find, and was the cause of our first near-marital fight, in which I threatened to name our imaginary baby Kevron. WORD!

x Celeste

p.s. I am worried that our awesome names will render us desperately chic...

New Blog

Ok. So this is a New Blog. And we're pretty new to the whole blog thing too, so bear with us if it takes us a while to get it up and running...

We're Careme and Celeste. These are not our real names. We thought it would be cool to have pseudonyms and not have any stalkers etc. And yes, we chose them before we realised that celeste was a (legendary) fictional elephant and careme a type of french puff pastry.

We're good friends. Celeste makes me tea. I mock her occasionally.

And we've decided to start a blog. We wanted to share all those thoughts, ideas, and craazy conversations that are just too good to keep to ourselves. So read on...

Careme xx